Gainful Loss

John was late for dinner, so he decided to enter the house through the back door. He knew she would be waiting for him, even if everyone else had gone to bed. Perfect! John thought to himself when he saw that she was seated with her back towards him. He proceeded to give her a hug from behind.

“Hello Maa”. John said, holding his embrace till he saw her smile.

Mary, shaking her head said “So, is this supposed to make up for your tardiness?” Unfortunately, Mary’s dimples betrayed her effort to keep a straight face. They both burst out laughing.

“I’m the favorite son you didn’t ask for, right?” John teased.

“Right!”  Mary rolled her eyes. “Anyway, wash up for dinner but I’m not going to reheat your food for you. The stove is off for the night”.

“That’s the least of my problems. You know I can eat this thing raw”, John replied.

When John had washed his hands and feet, he began eating. They made some small talk about the weather and how the other guys were doing. Mary was getting engrossed, talking about hosting a prayer meeting for the whole crew soon, when John gently tapped her right hand from across the table, “But how are you doing?”.

Mary was caught off guard and stared into space for a few seconds. She sighed, then remained silent for a few more seconds, obviously trying to gather her thoughts. “Son, it’s weird. I miss him but I feel I’m not allowed to say that.” Mary said with her eyes filling up.

“No, don’t say that! John replied. “You have every right to say you miss him. I know you feel you shouldn’t say that because we know where he is, but thirty-three years is something. You can’t erase that”.

Mary nodded as a tear drop escaped one of her eyes, but she continued to listen to John. “I know he is with us but the fact that you can’t see him physically is something we shouldn’t brush aside. You have been through a lot but I want you to know you are special, Maa. Such an inspiration to us. How you navigated your relationship with him as your son and Lord… unfathomable!”

Mary chuckled “Oh John, ever so sweet. I don’t know if I did anything special, but from the moment I became pregnant with him, I knew my life was no longer my own. I knew I couldn’t be like any other person. I had to always remember not to get carried away. When I changed his nappies, when he was a teenager, when he left home and even when the time came. I always had to recollect the words that were spoken to me. I always muttered to myself ‘I am just a vessel’, because this was God’s idea in the first place”.

John nodded slowly, waiting for her to continue.

“I know he’s with his real father now and I am happy his spirit is in me. It just that sometimes, I wish I could touch him and get a whiff of his musky scent again. You know he’s always smelled like that even as a baby.”

John reached across the table to hold her hands and said “Soon Maa. You will see him again.” John searched her eyes till he saw her smile. Then he let go of her hand and continued eating his food.

They both sat quietly for a few minutes before John piped up “Do you…do you ever wonder why he chose me for this? I  mean…” He used his index finger to motion between both of them repeatedly.

Mary smiled. She had had that same question herself and it had been answered in her heart. “Because you are rough around the edges?” Mary said laughingly, sticking her tongue out at him.

“Of course, I know it’s not because you are better than the others, even though you somehow think you are his favorite” Mary said laughing again while shaking her head. “But seriously, I think you understand what love really is. We all knew you to be one of the angry birds in the crew, but I saw how you allowed him rub off on you. You wanted to be so much like him, till you became consumed by his love and then nothing else mattered to you. He knew you would transfer that love to me and I’m thankful for your intentional love, my boy”. Mary smiled and nodded slowly, “I really am”.

Hearing that, John left his seat and knelt down by Mary’s chair. He leaned in to rest on her chest, the same way he typically did with Jesus, but this time he said, “I love you Maa”.

John 19:25-27